Singleness and Dating

I was invited this past weekend to be a part of a panel of alumni speaking to a college fellowship women’s event on relationships. Why would they ask a single person to be a part of this panel you may ask? I believe I actually have a unique and very vital perspective on dating and relationships. I have never dated. When people find this out, a lot of people believe that this was by choice, but sadly it’s not. I have always wanted to date but for some reason or another it just has not worked out to me. I have had very tragic stories of almost dating or being in a relationship but I just couldn't get it to quite work out. I am very open to dating right now. But it’s not like I can walk down the “Men” aisle at Ralphs and pick out one that looks good. So obviously I have a lot I could say to college women about being single. But I also feel like I have advice to give on relationships as well. As Christians we take on each other burdens, so in a way I feel like I lived through breakups, fights, emotional dependency, cheating, and abusive relationships as I have supported my friends through them.

Thoughts on singleness

Most of the time I do not enjoy being single. I have gone through seasons where I feel a lot of shame, bitterness, insecurity, or loneliness about it. I don’t notice it as much when I’m just in the zone with God, doing my thing, loving people. But I notice it when I am alone and have less to do. Here are some of things that God has taught me in being single.

• First- God’s timing does match our culture’s timing. The American culture would say I should have dated many people by now, had some serious relationships, probably had sex already, be engaged or maybe even married. But God’s timing does not work that way. He does not run by the world’s idea of when I should be married. I have to trust given how messed up our culture is when it comes to dating and marriage that God’s timing is monumentally better. I do not want to end up in a dating relationship or marriage like what I see on TV.
• Second-God’s timing for me is also not the same as God’s timing for my friends, family, or people I admire. When I was younger I wanted to get married when I was 23. I know it seems young but I wanted to have my first kid by 25. My sister got married when she was 23. I was 21 at the time and kind of knew that I was probably not going to get married in the next 2 years. So then I heard this beautiful woman who really loved God talk about how she didn’t date until she was 23. So then I thought, ok she’s really pretty, it’s that haven’t dated yet. Well 23 has come and gone now. I have to stop trying to plan a timeline and be ok with where I am right now. When I think about never getting married, it’s a very hard concept for me to swallow. So I think about it in smaller chunks. Can I be single for the next 3 months? Yes. God has been with me for 25 years of singleness he will be with me for 3 more months. Then at the end of those three months, I will think, ok can I be single for 3 more? Yes. This doesn’t seem so overwhelming and anxious about my time running out to get married.
• Third- God has not promised marriage to me. I can not live my life in waiting and hoping that a man will be around the corner. This is hard for me because I want to do that a lot of times. I feel like when I am married everything will be better. I won’t be so lonely, I’ll have someone who always cares about me and understands me. But those are lies. If I get married, he will be a very sinful man. He will hurt and disappoint me. Only God can heal me. So I have to move forward with my life and the plans that God has given me. If he ever decides to throws a man into the mix, then Hallelujah, but I can’t wait or expect that in making long term plans.

As I have been reflecting on my singleness this weekend God has been revealing to me more of the benefits of being single.

• You have a lot more freedom. In the day to day, I don’t have to check with someone else’s schedule if I want to make plans for the weekend or make time to talk on the phone. In long term decisions, I don’t have to consult a spouse to see how my passions will fit his. I free to go wherever the Lord is calling me without worrying if another person feels called to the same thing or how they will fit into my lifestyle. Yes I may eventually have to face that, but right now I don’t have to worry about it.
• The best benefit is that my heart is undivided toward God. Paul would actually argue that it’s better to be single so that you can fully devote yourself to God. 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. (This doesn’t mean I want to be single as Paul was). It is true in a sense. Relationships take a lot of work, time, energy, and love. I have more time and energy to devote fully to God. I feel like I already struggle with giving God my undivided attention, I am sure that a relationship would make it even harder. Again, not that I want to be single forever, but I can see the benefits it has for me right now in life.

Thoughts on dating

Here are my tid bits on relationships (I was recently told the correct phrase is snip bits, but in my family we say tid bits). They mainly have to do with entering into a relationship. (Disclaimer: I would give this advice for people in college; it may be slightly different for people in other stages of life).

Before entering into a relationship:

· Have dealt with ways that you are a jacked up person with God. Be in a continual process of finding healing about that, especially if you have a lot of hurt and pain from your family

· Be in a community that can support and challenge you in your relationship with God

· Have someone of the same gender that you can talk to about your relationship really opening and honestly on a regular basis

· Consider external factors that could affect your relationship. Just because you both like each other and get along well is not necessarily a good enough reason alone to enter into a relationship. Consider other things like, do you have the time to commit to this, will your relationship hurt other people around you, is this good timing in regard to other things going on in your life, are you both in a good place with God?

· Know what you want out of the relationship and be able to communicate that to the other person.

When in a relationship:

· Look for signs of co-dependency, meaning you are so dependent on each other that you get your identity from what that person thinks of you. Signs of this can be: you have no other friends besides your significant other, you don’t know what to do with yourself when you are not with them, if they criticize you it makes you really upset, you can’t make decisions without getting their input.

· Be able to hold the relationship loosely. If God asks you to give up that relationship for whatever reason, you should be able to let it go. I’m not saying that would be easy, but you must be willing to be more obedient to God than hold onto a relationship.

· This is not true all of the time, but if the people who know you best really don’t think it’s a good relationship, it’s probably not. They can see outside of your love bubble. Make sure they can tell you why it’s not good, but they know you best so they have good insight.

Last thought- The media feeds us all kinds of lies about relationships. I fall prey to them all the time. I LOVE chick flicks but most of them are lies and lead me into false hope. God is the only one who can fully complete me, give me value, love me unconditionally, and never leave me.